So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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