dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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