I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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