my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My ATM looks so different sober.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
