no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
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THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
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Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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