Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
