I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
