3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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