Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
