she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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