Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
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He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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