You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
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The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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