I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
