I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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