If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
you never un-have a 4some
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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