Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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