My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
