After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
