Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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