i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
