Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
