mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
