i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
