If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
