I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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