Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Someone shit on the floor
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
