There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
