I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
