OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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