Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
