A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
