my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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