Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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