Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
