Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
