Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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