I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
