I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
