Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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