I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
