And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
