By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
