...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
