I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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