forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
