By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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