if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
