Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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