Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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