Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
