Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
