For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
