I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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