If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
