I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
