I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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