i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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