just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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