then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
