I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
40s are totally the cure
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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