If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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