Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Is it penis luge time yet?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
