I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Watching her eat just hurts me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
